


Composition

by Evil_Keshi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24376105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Keshi/pseuds/Evil_Keshi
Summary: 5 times Alec doesn't tell his best friend that he's in love with him + 1 time he opens his heart.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 44
Kudos: 373





	Composition

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't turn out quite the way I planned but, oh well. Enjoy! :)

  


I.

Alec falls in love with Magnus slowly, quietly, unbeknownst to everyone and most of all, to himself. He actually doesn't realise that he's fallen, head over heels, until the words are on the tip of his tongue, begging to be let out. He only holds them back because he's too shocked to utter a single sound, stunned into silence by the sudden realisation of a truth he probably should have understood earlier. How has he managed to ignore something, _someone_ , that is so close to his heart?

His eyes are wide and his fingers still over the strings of his guitar as he watches Magnus set a flower crown down on the top of his head, intertwined periwinkles and lilies he stole from his mother's garden adorning his black hair, and Alec can only blink as his friend babbles about that music festival he'll be attending in the summer, how he's read up on the event to be well prepared and properly dressed so that he can blend right in.

He talks about shorts and crop tops and sunglasses and flower crowns, but Alec barely hears him, doesn't register his words at all as he just focuses on the flowers in Magnus' hair that make his best friend look like some ethereal creature, a tree spirit that decided to bless Alec with his presence that is so rarely revealed to mere mortals. He looks like a god of nature, sparks in his eyes as he evokes the bands he'd like to see, the tent he'll share with Ragnor and Raphael while Maia and Cat share another one, and Alec nods dumbly at everything he says.

He doesn't even feel envious nor sad at the missed opportunity, as he'll be in Sicilia with his family at the time Magnus attends the festival, because he's happy that his friend gets to experience the crowd, the concerts and, yes, the flower crowns.

"I made this one to try it out before the festival," Magnus says. "I know they sell floral headbands but those are fake flowers and real ones look so much better! What do you think?"

"It's beautiful," Alec answers truthfully. "You're beautiful."

Magnus smiles, and Alec feels grateful that their friendship is made of endless compliments offered to each other, enthusiastic and loud support that don't make his words sound weird nor more meaningful than they perhaps should be understood as. Through them though, what Alec truly means is _you're beautiful and I'm in love with you_ , because he is.

The realisation didn't come at this exact instant just because Magnus looks even more gorgeous than he usually does, what with the fresh and colourful flowers that crown his hair. It's more than that. Maybe it's because of the way Magnus speaks, excited and eager, so happy, and Alec thinks that he would give everything to always see him smile like this, whether he is the reason for his happiness or not. Maybe it's because Magnus delicately takes a second flower crown out of his bag and rests it on Alec's head with a satisfied smile, making his heart throb in the best ways at his thoughtfulness.

"I made this one for you," Magnus says, "I'll miss you during the festival. We should go together next year."

Alec nods again. He's fifteen, Magnus seventeen, and they're wearing flower crowns as they lie on the carpet in the middle of Alec's bedroom. His fingers itch to play his guitar again, though not one of the pop songs he's stuck to since he took classes last year. He yearns to create a melody that could immortalise this perfect moment, this fleeting instant when he realises that he's in love with a boy who's beautiful inside out, his heart golden, his smile feeling like home, his hair a field of flowers.

  


  


II.

They've been best friends since they were four and six respectively. It was summer, one of the really hot ones, when the heat is so bad even staying inside doing nothing makes you sweat buckets. Four-year-old Alec felt the heat, sure, but his energy levels were too high for him to just settle down and do nothing for the whole afternoon, waiting for the evening to arrive and bring along some fresher air so that he could play outside. His parents were growing desperate and running out of ideas to keep him within the house, busy but not exhausting himself in the hot weather, when their salvation rang the doorbell.

Salvation came in the shape of the little boy who lived next door, six years old and small but not shy, even though he was holding onto his mother's hand for dear life, and he was dressed in wet swimming trunks.

"Can Alexander come and play with me in the pool?" Magnus had asked Maryse and Robert with wide, hopeful eyes and a grin with one front tooth missing.

To this day, Alec still feels immensely grateful that his parents agreed to let him spend the afternoon in his neighbours' tiny inflatable swimming pool, an ocean for the two little kids they were at the time, really. That afternoon in the pool was followed by many more over the hot summer, then turned into hours spent at the playground in the park close to their school and consequently, into standing up for each other when facing the mean playground bullies.

Their childhood shaped them as they experienced giggling around mouthfuls of pancakes for breakfast after a sleepover, playing video games after their homework, staying up late texting each other from their bedroom, knowing every single one of each other's little and big secrets and sharing a bottle of coke whenever they went to the movies so they could save up some money and buy a bigger bag of popcorn, all the while joking about indirect kisses.For the past thirteen years of their lives, Alec and Magnus haven't spent more than two weeks apart from each other - and that was only because Magnus was going back to Jakarta to visit distant relatives - so today, Alec feels like his life is ending.

"I don't want you to leave me," he whines as he flops onto Magnus' bed, nearly upsetting the balance of the suitcase that rests on his best friend's mattress, wide open and half-full already. "I can't live without you."

Magnus chuckles and even though he's a good actor, Alec notices that it comes out a bit forced. He's got a Master's degree in Magnus, there isn't much his best friend is able to hide from him.

"You make it sound like I'm dying," he tells the younger boy, "I'm going to college, Alexander, nothing more."

"But I'll be all alone here while you go to New York and make new friends and forget all about me," Alec shots back - and he knows he's being dramatic but Magnus is _leaving_ and it's awful and it makes his heart crack, but he also knows that the second he stops whining, he'll start crying and that would be much worse.

Magnus sighs and grabs his open suitcase to set it on the floor, just so he can join his best friend on the bed and lie down next to him. He wiggles like a worm until he's able to rest his head onto Alec's chest, and the younger teen wonders whether Magnus can hear the sadness inside every single one of his heartbeats beneath his ribcage.

"I'll come back," Magnus promises again the fabric of Alec's t-shirt, poking him in the stomach and smiling when his friend gasps. "Once a month, if I manage it? And even if I don't, I'm not going to forget you, Alexander. Besides, we'll have Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that, so we'll still spend time together. You're my best friend. New York is not going to change that."

Alec feels tears burning his eyes and his throat, so he doesn't answer. Speaking would mean crying and he's not a pretty crier. If Magnus has to leave - and he does, which is the worst feeling in the whole world - Alec wants him to bring the memory of a brave boy with him to New York, not that of a baby bawling his eyes out because his best friend is all grown-up.

Because that's all it comes down to, to be honest. Magnus is done with high school so he's leaving their hometown to go to college in a big city, where he'll have lots of responsibilities ranging from handing in his assignments on time to dealing with grocery shopping on a budget, and he'll make grown-up friends with grown-up activities and grown-up parties so why would he still care about his teenage best friend who's staying behind because he's a loser still in high school? A kid, that's all he'll be reduced to once Magnus becomes a college student.

College students don't hang around high school teens, do they? Of course not, that would be preposterous. Alec blinks fast so that he keeps his tears at bay but he glares at the suitcase on the floor, wishing he could destroy it with his mind and it would be enough to keep Magnus with him. It's selfish, he knows. Magnus got accepted into the college he so desperately wanted to go to, on a full scholarship, so Alec should be happy for him - and he is, he truly is, and he also feels like a proud mom but it's hard to keep smiling when his best friend is leaving. Magnus and he will live in two separate worlds, miles away from each other, and Alec hates it.

"You promise?" he finally whispers in a small voice. "You promise we'll still be friends?"

"Always," Magnus swears, catching Alec's hand in his own to press a kiss to his knuckles.

Alec blushes.

"Now help me pack before you get any sappier and start crying," Magnus adds, shoving Alec so hard he nearly falls off the bed.

"Hey!" he protests in outrage as he grabs the bed sheets to keep himself on the mattress, and he mumbles, "Nothing wrong with crying from time to time..."

"Of course not," his best friend agrees, and Alec catches the brittleness in his voice, "but if you cry now, I'm going to join you, and then we'll both be crying in each other's arms and I'm never going to leave. So move your ass and help me. No crying."

"Okay," Alec whispers, then bends down to retrieve a fallen pair of socks and throws it into the suitcase with a sullen face.

Maybe he should weep, forget his pride and beg Magnus to stay by his side if only a little longer. He's scared to let him go, scared to find out just how much they'll both change while they're apart, scared that maybe he won't matter as much to Magnus when he comes back home. Magnus means the world to him, a world of warmth and softness, of trust and comfort. Being with Magnus feels like breathing, a natural process that he doesn't think much about but renders him panicky and teary-eyed once it stops. Alec can't live without breathing and he doesn't think he can live without Magnus either.

He could tell him, he realises as he scans the bathroom to make sure that Magnus hasn't forgotten to pack his favourite sandalwood shampoo. He could throw himself into a dramatic love confession before Magnus' departure, like he's seen in the movies, and he could pledge his eternal love in spite of the distance that will keep them away from each other but... Alec knows he won't allow himself to do that. Magnus deserves to leave for New York feeling great, excited, ecstatic about moving and going to college, not worrying about his kid friend he's leaving behind with a broken heart.

This day is about Magnus, he reminds himself as he schools his face into as neutral an expression as possible. He will wait for Magnus' return, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas... He could wait for freaking years before he confesses to his best friend. He's sure of his love, he knows it won't go away just because Magnus will be in New York and far from him... He just hopes that whatever Magnus might be feeling for him, whether platonic love or romantic feelings or just a deep, genuine friendship, won't disappear either.

So he steels himself and even though he wants to cry over his guitar and compose sad songs until he gets blisters on his fingers, he smiles through his tears when Magnus drives away with two suitcases and Alec's heart.

  


  


III.

Magnus doesn't forget about him. He texts Alec every day, calls at least once a week and they manage to meet almost every month, all the while liking each other's pictures on Instagram and reacting to their stories with too many emojis that make up for the hugs and real life screaming they can't do together. At some point, Alec worries that Magnus might feel obligated to keep his end of their friendship with so much regularity when he probably has a ton of essays to write and tests to ace but when he tells his friend on the phone that he can take some time off him if he needs to, voice soft and scared to be right, Magnus yells at him so loudly that Izzy hears him from her own bedroom down the hallway.

Alec feels much better afterwards.

Magnus comes home for Christmas and Alec is beyond excited when he wakes up on the day of his best friend's scheduled arrival, skipping down the stairs to the kitchen to swallow a bowl of cereals in record time, climbing the stairs back up to get ready - and what if he chooses an outfit that highlights his slender legs and clings a bit too much to his calves? It's Christmas, which is a good enough excuse to make an effort, and Magnus is coming back home - to _him_. They haven't seen each other since Thanksgiving, which means it's been too damn long and he wants to look good.

It's not that he wants to impress Magnus - _I don't, Jace!_ \- but... Well, maybe he does. Magnus is gorgeous, has always been, and college, despite the stress of early lectures and all that jazz that Alec wouldn't understand because he's still a damn high schooler, looks good on him. He looks like a man now, not a teenager or a boy anymore, but a man with muscles (he started going to the gym with a new friend of his, apparently) and the beginning of a goatee that makes Alec feels thousands of degrees too hot and... _Point is_ , maybe he picks tight black jeans that make him look even taller, a bit tougher, a bit older. Maybe he wants Magnus to see him as a man, too.

He still doesn't know how Magnus feels about him, beyond their friendship, and some part of his brain might have suggested that he should try to seduce Magnus and push him over the proverbial edge. Logically, Alec knows that his best friend isn't someone shallow who bases his appreciation of someone on looks only - he likes to think that Magnus goes for the soul.

If he does though, that might be cause for concern: Magnus has known him for years, has seen Alec's soul reflected into his eyes, and if he liked what he saw, he didn't say. It won't hurt to throw in some more leg game, right?

Alec catches himself daydreaming all morning and a solid part of the afternoon as he waits for Magnus to arrive, pinching the strings of his guitar lightly while he watches the street from his bedroom window, on the lookout for his best friend's little red car. He imagines him stretching as he gets out of the vehicle after the long hours on the road, can see himself sprinting down the street to engulf Magnus in a tight hug as he stands on his tippy toes to make up for the few inches his best friend still has on him for now, until he can hide his face in Magnus' neck and _breathe_.

He imagines taking his hand and leading him inside his house and to his bedroom so they can laze in bed until dinner, a joint affair between the Lightwoods and the Banes, as their parents have agreed upon since they knew it would be useless to try and separate their sons on their first day back together. Alec pictures himself giving his Christmas gift to Magnus, wringing his hands nervously while his friend tears through the colourful papers that hide a Polaroid Camera, something Magnus has wanted for a long time and Alec finally saved up enough for.

He knows he'll be Magnus first shot with his brand new camera and the thought makes a wide, goofy smile appear and stay on his lips. Magnus loves him, perhaps in a way that is not the way Alec wishes, but he'll take it. He'll take everything Magnus is willing to give him.

Alec dreams that after dinner, they go back to his bedroom and Magnus stays over, as would be expected after spending so long without seeing each other, save for a few video calls. A tiny phone screen is not enough for either of them though, not enough to sate their thirst for their best friend, not enough to pretend that they're together when in fact, they still feel whole worlds apart, away, alone. Alec dreams that in the darkness of the night, while the two of them lie beneath a thick comforter, he shyly tells Magnus that he's in love with him. In his mind, Magnus gives him that soft, tiny smile that disappears against his mouth when he kisses it with infinite tenderness and care - he likes to think that they don't need to rush it because they both know they have all the time in the world to explore each other on another night, because they have forever.

It starts out as planned. Alec sees Magnus stretching his back, breathes in his sweet scent when they hug, forgotten duffel bag at Magnus' feet when his hands go up to Alec's neck and shoulder to squeeze him tight. They talk and talk and talk on Alec's bed, take a nap together at some point because Magnus is exhausted and Alec falls asleep too, following Magnus' relaxed breathing and heartbeat, and it's so much better than he imagined their reunion would be, because they wake up side by side, a bit groggy, a bit gross with drying drool at the corners of their lips, and they attempt to straighten their clothes and fix their hair before dinner - to no avail. Magnus still has a fading pillow crease on his cheek by the time they get to eat.

That endearing crease eventually vanishes, engulfed into the grin Magnus sports when he unwraps his gift - and Alec was wrong, because he's not only Magnus' first shot but also the second and the third. Magnus gifts him a collection of sheet music for old rock songs in return, as well as pages that are blank save for five-line staffs to enable him to write down his own music. Alec blinks. He only mentioned once that he'd started composing for real, during a late phone call in October and... Magnus remembered. If possible, Alec falls a bit harder when his best friend flashes him a smug smile.

He's so happy he can feel his fingertips tingle and he's not even nervous about his upcoming love confession, because why should he be anxious to take the next step when Magnus is already so considerate and dedicated to him, committing the littlest things to memory so he can blow Alec away later on? It's a dive into the unknown of course, because he has no idea about the depths of Magnus' feelings for him but... They could make it. They've always been good together, _to_ and _for_ each other, so why wouldn't they work out as more, too? Going from friends to boyfriends will only bring them closer and Alec knows it will make him even happier. He's ready for it - he's waited long enough - and he just hopes that he's not the only one who feels the thread that binds both of their hearts, pulling them together.

Then it all comes crashing down.

"How's your girlfriend Dot?" Magnus' mother suddenly asks her son, somewhere between dessert number one and dessert number two, and she doesn't realise that Alec has dropped his spoon of chocolate cake onto his plate with a loud clatter, "A shame she couldn't be here to spend Christmas with us."

The dream shatters. They still go to bed together but Alec pretends to be more tired than he actually is, so that he can roll to his side and close his eyes, feigning to fall asleep instead of chatting Magnus up to five in the morning as he would have done under normal circumstances.

As it is, in the darkness of the night, there is no shy confession of love, no sweet kiss beneath the comforter. Forever is a lie and Alec's crushed heart lies at his feet.

  


  


IV.

Dot and Magnus don't last. Magnus tells him as much on the phone, one evening in late March, and Alec's heart plummets to the bottom of his stomach when he hears the news of their breakup. He's a terrible person. He should be devastated on his best friend's behalf, offer to hop on the first train to New York to meet up with him and spend the evening together, to let Magnus cry on his shoulder while he holds him with one arm, his free hand supporting a large tub of ice-cream with two spoons.

Instead, his heart feels heavy with guilt, because he can't find it in himself to be sad for Magnus. Oh, it hurts that Magnus suffers, it hurts so much to hear him sob on the phone, but Alec doesn't regret Dot. He hates himself for that thought, hates that he's so selfish he could almost be happy about the breakup - he wants to hang up on Magnus and cry, blame his weakness and his horrible jealousy.

He should have been filled with joy when he found out that Magnus had a girlfriend and that she made him happy, made him feel loved. His heart broke instead, because if he'd been given the chance, if he hadn't been stuck in high school, he could have been that person for him. He resented Magnus a little for not telling him he had gotten himself a girlfriend in the first place and he hated that he'd heard about it from his best friend's mother. He wondered whether it meant something, that Magnus hadn't admitted so himself. Why, though? Out of embarrassment? Fear of his reaction? Had he noticed Alec's feelings and didn't return them, had he kept quiet so he wouldn't hurt him?

Alec doesn't know the answers to these questions and he thinks he doesn't really want them either. All he needs to know is that he's awful for feeling so relieved that Dot isn't Magnus' girlfriend anymore. He whispers words of comfort into the phone, hopes Magnus receives them well and deems them reassuring and kind, but they sound empty to his own ears. He wonders whether Magnus notices or is too caught up in his own pain to realise that his best friend is an asshole.

Alec wants to hurl his phone at the wall and watch it explode in tiny pieces. Love is supposed to be such a wonderful feeling, so why does Magnus suffer so much from his own? Why does Alec's love make him such a monster? He should wish for Dot to go back to his best friend, to make his pain stop, he should learn to let go and be glad that Magnus is happy, even if it is with someone other than him. He remembers thinking, once, that he always wanted to see Magnus with a smile on his beautiful lips, even if he wasn't the one who put it there. It's hard to go back to that supportive attitude when facing his own devastation.

All Alec wants to do is wrap Magnus in his embrace and promise that he'll always love him, that he doesn't have to fear the pain of a breakup, because in what universe would Alec ever want to leave Magnus' side? He wishes that his friend could see the depth of his feelings - but at the same time, he doesn't. He's not sure Magnus would like what he sees, his heart that overflows with so much love but also ugly selfishness.

"I... I'm sorry," Magnus stammers on the phone at some point, "I shouldn't bother you so late, you... you probably have school early tomorrow or... or maybe some more homework to do."

"You'll never bother me, Magnus," Alec says and he feels relieved that this time, there's only pure sincerity in his voice. "I'll always make time for you, so no matter what happens or when it does, you can talk to me."

He wants to add an apology, for being such a bad friend. He cares, he swears he does, but simply not about the future Dot and Magnus could have had together. He's unfair, to both his best friend and that girl he has never met but heard lots of good things about, up to this day. She has filled his chest with happiness over the past months but tonight, Magnus is just as heartbroken as Alec was when he learned of Dot's existence. He wonders... He wonders whether confessing his love to Magnus right then, on the phone, when they're so far away from each other, would be a good idea. Would it help him feel better, to know that Dot might not be the only one out there for him?

No. This night isn't about Alec, it is about Magnus and his pain, because his best friend is the one who needs support right now and Alec is relieved that he still has enough common sense to realise that. He's glad he still has a conscience.

Much later, they fall asleep together in the middle of both the night and their conversation on the phone. When Alec wakes up the next morning, he realises that his pillow is wet with tears. He thinks Magnus' might be as well.

  


  


V.

Alec is elated when he makes it to college and packs for New York, too. Magnus and he aren't in the same school, their majors are different anyway but it doesn't even matter because Alec got into the college he applied for and finally, at last, Magnus and he are in the same city again. The thought makes warmth pool at the pit of his stomach.

Magnus helps him to move in his dorm, carrying Alec's precious guitar up the stairs and into his bedroom, which is a mess of bags and folded clothes waiting to be put in the closet.

"Finally," Magnus groans after he carefully places the guitar on the desk, and he throws himself onto Alec's bed. "What do you want to do tonight? We could explore the neighbourhood so you don't get lost in the next few days or... Oh, my friends wanted to go out and party, do you want to come? I could introduce you to Dot, Luke and the whole gang!"

Alec doesn't even flinch at the first name that comes out of Magnus' mouth, since he already knew that they'd stayed friends after their breakup - not before the emotional wreck Magnus had been back then calmed down and found some semblance of peace again, however. Alec has made his peace with Dot too, as well as with the two other guys Magnus has dated for a little while after her. Alec likes to think that he has grown, over the past year and a half, both physically and mentally, and he's worked hard on himself to... to accept the fact that maybe Magnus will never see him as more than a friend - his _best_ friend. The prospect of it isn't as terrifying as it used to be, not as revolting, and while Alec hasn't given up, he has also learned to feel content and enjoy what he has, rather than focusing on what could be. _Carpe diem_.

Alec eventually shakes his head in answer to Magnus' suggestion and he collapses on top of his best friend, who wheezes at the sudden weight crushing him and slaps his ass in an attempt to make him move. Alec doesn't.

"I'm too tired to go out," he mumbles sleepily into Magnus' elbow. "Can't we spend the night together? Just us, a movie and takeout?"

"I know the best places to order from," Magnus agrees at once, "What would you like?"

They settle for sushi and Magnus calls the restaurant while Alec downloads a movie on his laptop, glad that the connection seems to be working relatively well in his dorm so far - but not everyone has moved in yet so it might not go on so smoothly over the next few days. He knows from Magnus' own experience that Wi-Fi can be slow and stubborn when every single college kid is at the dorm and busy watching porn or searching for reliable articles to back their essays.

Alec considers watching _Brokeback Mountain_ because he's a walking cliché but he eventually decides against it and when Magnus finally puts his phone down, they settle on the bed together, Magnus slotting into his side like a puzzle piece. They only pause the movie and get up to answer the door as the delivery guy gives them their sushi and takes his money, then it's only Alec and Magnus again. Alec revels in his best friend's presence, marvels at the fact that he didn't hesitate to pass a party thrown by his college friends to stay with him. Him. The high school kid who still can't quite believe he's made it to New York and will have some serious adulting to do from now on, even though he feels metaphorical miles away from a grown-up. He feels like the same teen he's been for years, deeply in love with his best friend, though hopefully more mature about it by now, and he smiles when Magnus uses his chopsticks to feed him.

This is everything he wants in life - well, that and maybe a job, a good income, something that makes this dream possible. He wants to spend calm evenings with Magnus cuddling him, being adorable as he munches on his seaweed salad, all the while caressing Alec's hair as the younger boy cries in front of _Legends of the Fall_.

"You've watched this movie a dozen times," Magnus reminds him softly, teasingly, although Alec know he's not making fun of him - not really. "You already knew what would happen..."

"But the pain," he whines, "The paaaaaain, Magnus!"

"Come here, you big baby," his best friend giggles, pushing chopsticks and plates away so that he can lie back on the bed and bring Alec down with him.

When Alec tries to hide his red eyes against his friend' chest though, Magnus shakes his head and cups Alec's face, makes him look up until their gazes meet and lock. His thumbs brush over Alec's cheeks, crush his tears as his gentle voice hushes him, and he boops his nose. Alec melts.

"Feeling better?" Magnus enquires, a glint in his eyes.

"Not yet," Alec pouts, because he's a sucker for careful touches and attention, especially Magnus', and he won't be satisfied just with a gentle tap on his nose.

His friend knows that and so he laughs, before he kisses Alec's forehead once, twice, then his cheeks, left and right, and he frowns at the salty taste of tears that remained on his skin. Alec is still pouting though, so he presses more kisses to his face, the bridge of his nose and his eyebrows and his jaw, until Alec lets out a strangled but keen noise that has Magnus stopping and tilting his head to look at his friend.

Alec shyly adverts his eyes, aware that his flushed cheeks are a dead giveaway of the effect Magnus' kisses have on him - as if his eager moan wasn't enough already. When he risks a glance up, he's glad not to find any judgement in his friend's expression, only curiosity and a sort of dawning realisation as he takes in the bashful nip of Alec's teeth on his own lower lip.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asks, his voice impossibly low and sending shivers down Alec's back.

"Ye... no," Alec mumbles, not sure of what he's saying, why he's saying it, and he only knows that his lips tingle in anticipation, because Magnus kissing his jaw and his cheeks feels very nice and he doesn't want _nice_ \- he wants great, he wants happiness and plenitude and _Magnus_ \- so he braces himself and adds, "Kiss me?"

"I have," Magnus whispers, and Alec could think it is a rejection, a way to make a light joke out of what he just asked for, but he doesn't miss the way his friend stares at his lips a bit too long.

"A real kiss," he demands, holding his breath for the few seconds Magnus takes to close what little distance remained between them.

He expected his heart to stop at the first press of Magnus' mouth against his lips. It doesn't happen. Instead, his heart beats faster, a loud _thump-thump_ in his chest that Magnus can probably make out beneath the wet sound of their lips. He expected a shy, close-mouthed kiss given as a way to humour him but instead, instead, Alec welcomes Magnus' tongue with a sharp, surprised intake of air through his nose. It's not shy. It's slow but also curious, eager to figure out the right angle, the right pressure to apply on the nape of Alec's neck to deepen the kiss just _so_ , just enough to make heat coil inside Alec's guts, to make a soft, broken moan slip out when Magnus' lips retreat - but not far, still parted and wet, ready for more.

"Better?" Magnus asks, eyes dark and set on Alec.

"Y... yes," he answers, his voice low as his throat tightens around too many intense emotions that merge into a nameless feeling, too much to express with words. "Yes."

"Good."

Alec curls his fingers into Magnus' t-shirt when their lips meet again. He feels delirious, almost high, and he writes dozens of _I love you_ onto Magnus' mouth, writes what he's still too scared to say for fear of ruining this, whatever _this_ is. _Carpe diem_ , he reminds himself. _Carpe diem_.

  


  


VI.

Kisses make it into their daily routine somehow, to Alec's immense astonishment and even greater delight. Magnus sleeps over that night, curls into Alec's arms like they used to do when they were younger and still do from time to time, although one of them being in a small town and the other in a big city has not made that possible for a long time. It's different now that they both live in New York.

Alec wakes up to Magnus humming into the bathroom as he splashes his face with cold water and when he comes back into the main room and sees Alec's open eyes, his lips spread onto a wide grin.

"Hey," he says and bends down to peck Alec's lips. "Slept well?"

The positive squeak Alec lets out is beyond embarrassing, really.

"Was that too much?" Magnus worries, taking a cautious step back. "After yesterday, I thought..."

"Yes!" he exclaims, his hand shooting from beneath the sheets to hold onto Magnus' wrist and keep him in place before he can run away and disappear on a misunderstanding. "I... I mean, no, that's not too much and yes, yesterday... yesterday was great."

His voice turns into a tiny sound at the end of his sentence and Magnus sets the softest, loveliest gaze on him. He looks relieved.

"So... we can try, right?" Magnus asks, gesturing between the two of them with his free hand, and only then does Alec notice that he's still holding onto his friend's other hand - he doesn't let go. "You and I, being... more?"

It only takes Alec's frantic nodding to settle the matter and that's how they came to this result: kisses. Kisses are everywhere. There are pecks over lunch when they manage to meet up despite their busy schedules, lazy kisses in the evenings they spend together to watch a movie, much like they did on Alec's first night in New York, and lingering kisses when one of them needs to leave, even teasing licks as they experiment a little, nothing much, not too fast, because they might have known each other for fifteen years but this aspect of their relationship is brand new to them.

 _This_ is not limited to kisses. _This_ is Alec meeting Magnus' friends and enjoying his time with them, it's Dot saying she's always thought that Magnus was hung up on someone back home, it's Magnus calling Maryse and Robert to reassure them when Alec gets sick, it's supporting each other through soul-eating essays and celebrating once they're done, then crying together over a failed assignment. It's not so different than what they would do if they were still just friends, except that it's also making out into the hallways of each other's dorm, going on dates and being closer, physically as well as emotionally.

Sometimes Alec can barely believe that he's made it, that they are dating. It feels both new and familiar - the arm Magnus has wrapped around his waist countless times before suddenly becomes more meaningful, each gaze holds a different kind of spark that comes with a newfound complicity, intimacy, and they've come to appreciate their proximity in new, shiver-inducing ways. It's thrilling. It's also life-changing to realise that everything Alec once dreamed of has not only become true but has also become better than everything he actually ever dreamed of. Magnus and he together aren't just a desperate, hopeless wish anymore. They feel permanent.

That afternoon, Alec distractedly plays a quiet love song on his guitar and stares at Magnus as he works on an essay, glad that his boyfriend doesn't mind the music while he works. He's spread out on the bamboo mat he put on the floor of his dorm room and it reminds him of a younger Magnus, flower crown in his hair, looking too beautiful to be real and excited about a summer festival while he stole Alec's breath and heart, although he didn't know the latter had already belonged to Magnus since virtually forever.

As Alec reminisces, gaze soft and unfocused, his fingers slowly forget about the song he was playing and pull other strings, creating notes that speak of falling in love with flowers and his best friend. A smile blooms on his face and he closes his eyes, summons more memories, more breathtaking shots of his life with Magnus, of their relationship as friends and more, too, until he gets a rhythm that matches, something precious and strong but also somewhat fragile... He murmurs hushed lyrics that speak of love and longing, of trying and figuring themselves out, of being patient as he wears his feelings on his sleeve but doesn't push them onto Magnus and waits. Alec hasn't yet dared tell his best friend that he wants to be his person, a bit afraid still that it might not mean the same for them both.

"What song is this?"

Alec startles at the sound of Magnus' voice, although it isn't loud, and the music stops abruptly as he blinks.

"Hmph," he offers shyly, before he clears his throat and says, "It's... I don't know?"

Magnus laughs, abandons his laptop and textbooks to hop onto his bed and join Alec, fingers tracing the outline of the guitar.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" he asks, lines of laughter crinkling his eyes, "You were just playing it! I liked it."

Alec does not blush. Not much, at least.

"I don't know," he repeats and bites his lip, "I just... made it up?"

"Oh, you were composing!" Magnus realises and sucks a breath in, "I hope I didn't distract you?"

Alec shakes his head and hesitates for a fleeting 0.1 second before he blurts:

"You actually inspired it."

"Oh," Magnus repeats and this time, quiet awe drips from the word and his eyes are filled with hopeful wonder. "Really?"

"Really," Alec confirms, reaching out to grab Magnus' hand and damn, he does feel inspired alright. "This song is about you - there are so many verses I could write about you, about the way you make me feel, about how much I admire you, and you would deserve every single one of them."

"Alexander..." Magnus says softly as he squeezes his friend's hand, looking like he can't quite believe his ears, but Alec is not done yet.

"Do you know when I first considered composing music?" he asks, not surprised that Magnus shakes his head with a confused expression, so he answers his own question quickly, a bit nervous now, and he's pretty sure his cheeks are red. "I started later but... I was fifteen, and you were right in front of me and you looked so perfect I wanted to... to keep that moment with me forever. In a song."

Alec thinks Magnus probably understands what he is trying to tell him. His eyes are still warm and his posture relaxed, so Alec takes it as a good sign. Magnus' voice is thick when he speaks, a roughness that sounds like he's about to cry from happiness. He guesses it's a very, very good sign.

"What was the song about?" he wonders, before he chuckles, "I mean, besides me, I guess."

"Flower crowns," Alec blurts out.

"Flower crowns?"

"Flower crowns," Alec repeats with a tone of finality. "I wanted to sing about how gorgeous you looked with these flowers on top of your head - you looked magical. Like you'd come straight out of a legend, a fairytale maybe, and I was... overwhelmed. You were talking about going to that festival and how you'd miss me because I wouldn't be there and then you gave me that other flower crown and... Well. It was the day I realised I was kinda in love with you?"

It comes out as a question more than a statement and Magnus looks... He looks delighted. A bit disbelieving perhaps, but in a good way, as if he can't quite believe that this good thing is really happening and becoming real in front of his very eyes. Alec's heart explodes.

"Kinda in love?" Magnus repeats softly, a grin tugging at his lips even though he fights it and waits for Alec's reply when he already has an inkling of what it will be anyway.

"Totally in love," the younger man amends with a smile, shyness and nervousness all forgotten because Magnus' hand falls from the guitar to the inside of Alec's wrist, caressing the soft skin where a steady pulse beats beneath his fingertips. "I totally fell for you."

"I had no idea," Magnus whispers, an apology on the tip of his tongue, and Alec kisses him softly before it slips out.

"It's alright," he says against his best friend's, his boyfriend's lips. "Now you know."

He's done it. He's told Magnus, after years of wondering whether he would actually work up the courage to do so and take Magnus' answer all in stride, and he feels good. Alec still doesn't know what Magnus feels for him, if it goes beyond the obvious physical attraction that shows in their heady kisses, but he's strangely calm about it. It's okay. Magnus doesn't have to say it back if he doesn't feel the same way yet, or ever, because Alec is already happy with this and he trusts Magnus not to play with his feelings. He's still by his side and that matters the most - although Alec gets quite the scare when he tries to kiss Magnus again, only to be pushed away. Gently, but away all the same.

"What?" Alec murmurs with wide eyes.

Did he read this wrong? Is he about to be rejected, is this going to put an end to their dating? Is he about to bolt for the door? No, Alec thinks, no, of course not, they're in Magnus' own dorm first of all and then there's also the fact that they're best friends and that shouldn't change, even if...

"Won't you ask me?" Magnus interrupts the increasingly panicked trail of Alec's thoughts by cupping his cheeks and resting their foreheads together. "Don't you want to know if I love you too? When I fell for you?"

Alec whimpers at Magnus' words, hope surging inside his heart. He feels lightheaded at the mere possibility that he's gotten this right, that maybe...

"When?" he bypasses the first question and wonders about the second, doesn't expect the kiss that comes, fleeting, to rest upon his mouth.

He can feel the smile on these lips.

"The first summer I came back from college," Magnus confesses in a breath. "Suddenly you were taller than me. You were still my cute kid best friend whom I loved and at the same time, you'd become so much more... You felt more comfortable in your skin, more confident and I... liked that. A lot."

"Oh," Alec mumbles, feeling his cheeks grow hot.

"Yeah, _oh_ ," Magnus teases, huddles up close to his boyfriend so that he can kiss the skin below his jaw, a content purr rumbling from Alec's chest. "I love you too. Now play my song again? Please?"

Alec complies after one more peck, face warm and heart full, and he lets his fingers caress the strings of his guitar a bit distractedly. Magnus might like this song, but Alec knows that the feelings that shaped the both of them into a pair over the years are their greatest composition yet.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading!


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